Either/Or?
For the volcanic age of twenty-three, my friends and I sure do speak a lot about sorrow. Sipping on his third can of red-bull, Sujay, referencing to our happy-go-lucky college days, spoke with a sense of retirement, “It seems as though we cannot be any happier than we have been, as though we have laughed the most unwary laugh of our life and unknowingly witnessed the sky turn a holy crimson blue, never to happen again.” I found myself internally debating, but eventually agreeing and surrendering to the sense of hopelessness the six of us felt on that windy night at Big Pitcher on Kodihalli Street.
We had opened Pandora’s box of adult emotions.
Growing up, I was always of the thought that you could either be happy or sad. And I had read, watched, and learned that the moment you were sad, you had to immediately work your way to reversing the emotion to happiness.
Calling one of my closest friends,X, I confided, “I don’t feel happy at work”. To which, she immediately responded, “You should be grateful that you have a job”.
My best friend,Y,who recently experienced a heart-wrenching loss of love, spoke about pouring messages asking him to move on because there was so much to be happy and grateful for.
Result? Guilt. Shame.
Result? Instagram stories with “happiness” filters that masked dark circles and hid burned corners of Banana bread. LinkedIn posts with missed breakfasts, overworked, unsatisfied hours disguised as achievements, honors, and enlightenment. What do you and I see? The tip of the iceberg.
And yet, we all continue to pretend, cheer, and uphold a measly mimicry of a perfectly happy life with no space, mention, or existence of sorrow, loss, jealousy, envy, worthlessness, or failure.
We condemn those that speak of it, and we condemn ourselves that feel it.
Can I not be scared and grateful? Can you not be worried and at peace? Can life just not be a beautiful, messy amalgamation of happy and sad, black and white, good and bad?
Maybe then, we can finally allow ourselves to accept, acknowledge our emotions, and heal at our own pace. And just maybe, find ourselves a little less lonely.
